Doudou saves the Day

I woke up Friday morning with huge puffy eyes after a night in tears and dealing with the news that Max didn't qualify for the clinical trial.
I think if he had been given the placebo, I would have dealt with it better. I was prepared. I knew there was a 1 in 3 chance it would happen, but I really hadn't prepared for him to be knocked back before even starting. He was knocked back because of the protein in his urine which is most likely from a childhood problem he had. He is better off I know because the drug may cause a lot of damage to his kidneys in the long run and it just wouldn't be worth it. Max was very upset too and had a cry in my arms. Just preparing for the trial was a huge thing for him with all testing and waiting etc and psyching himself up for it only to be let down like that has been difficult. He says he just needs stay positive and to focus on the good stuff now like Doudou and enjoy our time together.

Max's pain has certainly been getting worse, although he is managing it better now with painkillers. He is doing fairly well, he is mostly in pain in the morning and if he delays to take his medications. He is going to start the slow release Oxycodone next week, so he isn't taking so many tablets a day. He is still feeling stoned, some times worse than others but he can't work out what the triggers are. He doesn't cope well with crowded places and is overwhelmed by things quite easily. Hopefully he can tolerate the new painkiller ok and it does it's job. It just seems like not that long ago when Max was saying, how it was strange he didn't feel like he had cancer as he felt so normal. It didn't take long for that to change. Some days he can't even bend over to do his shoelaces. We just laugh because we are such a good team, I do his laces and he does mine at the moment.

Today we could re-adjust our focus on Doudou, he always gets us our of the Cancer slump. We went to our Prenatal and Birthing class, it was full day class as I didn't think Max would cope well with the 2 hourly weekly classes over 6 weeks. It was great and we both learnt a lot. Of course Max will be there for the birth but he was really concerned that he wouldn't be a great support for me because of his pain. He thinks he wouldn't be able to help massage in certain positions and he may not have the strength and will tire quickly etc. So we decided that we will ask my sister to be there also to fill in where he can't assist with support. I haven't asked her yet but I think she would be over the moon and I am ok with her being there.

I have put my notice in at work and I will finish up this Friday. I am so glad, I am really suffering with this back and rib pain. Plus with Winter here the office is filled with colds and flu's. I felt so uncomfortable on Friday with heaps of people around me coughing and splattering, the bosses ended up sending anyone who coughed home. I can't wait to be at home with Max, finally! There are so many things I/we want/need to do. I am already in nesting mode but I am just holding off till I finish up at work. It has been challenging, I just want to do it !

Happy 4th of July for my American friends.